A Marriage Story: Till Death Do Us PartBy Frieda Mayo
When a marriage story is on the verge of a tragic ending, or when a couple is at the point of separating, do you believe that there is hope for reconciliation and that you can fall in love again with the same man you disliked years ago? Do you further believe that you are both God’s gift to each other—till death parts you? I come from the Philippines, from a family of 11 children. My parents taught us the importance of religion and prayer, hard work, kindness, perseverance and generosity. They were, however, very strict and never allowed us to question their rules. They also drilled into our psyche the need to finish a career where making lots of money was the gauge of success. Being strict, they discouraged me from going out with friends, so I became rebellious and secretive in my activities. In 1978, I met my husband Manny. He was 31 years old and I was 20. At such a young age, I got hitched to him. Manny and I lived a very chaotic five years of married life, full of quarrels and discontent. I was always imposing on Manny my own ideals of how a husband should be, tried to control his every move, ever ready to move out every time he would come home late from his night out with “the boys.” So in 1983, he allowed me to find meaning into what I thought was a meaningless life. He gave me the opportunity to venture to the United States to seek “greener pastures” and most especially, to find myself. Lost in the U.S.But to his dismay, I got lost in the whirlwind of materialism the West had to offer. I turned my back on my Catholic upbringing. I never really understood my Faith except for the simple knowledge that I am a Catholic. And so in 1989, I wanted out from my marriage after I met a very rich Jewish lawyer named Ernie, who lavished me with expensive things in life.I then embraced the New Age religion of my parents, my two brothers and their wives, and two sisters in Canada, after I found out that I did not have to attend Mass and that my living with Ernie was morally acceptable. I would focus only on how I can improve myself, not in relation to God but in relation to “I, me, and myself”. My worldly life was picture perfect until 1999 when my children came to visit me in the United States. It was then that my quarrels with Ernie started. The Hedonistic Life EndsErnie became very jealous of the attention I gave my children. It came to a point where he made me choose between his money and my children. By this time, in spite of everything, my husband Manny had become my best friend. I would call him after every fight with Ernie and he would listen to me, sounding like a broken record repeating the same questions: “What should I do? I love our children… but I cannot give up my lifestyle. I don’t know what to do.” I remember Manny’s consoling words: “I cannot offer the good life that you have now, but I can offer you my life and love.” His consoling words did not mean much to me because I was more concerned about losing my good life of expensive cars, luxurious vacations, shopping only at exclusive stores, buying only signature clothes and bags, and eating only in the best restaurants, to name but a few quirks of my la dolce vita.In my exasperation, I tried doubling my chanting in the New Age—but I also went back to praying my novenas to Our Lady of Manaoag, Our Lady of Perpetual Help, and started attending Mass, going to different churches including St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York. I begged God to enlighten Ernie so he could accept my children. Instead, Ernie asked me to pack my bags and go back to my husband. He said I loved my children too much and that they are a thorn on his back. I was crushed, but had no choice.And so, after 12 years of what seemed to be a perfect life by worldly standards but was in reality a life in sin and spiritual death, I returned to the Philippines on the 15th of August 2001, the Feast of the Assumption. A New Life in ChristStarting all over with Manny was masked by a night life of karaoke bars and staying out late, drinking myself to stupor to numb the pain. Manny, on the other hand, would do the same, plus golf on weekends. We found ourselves drifting apart even when we were together. After one month of what I perceived as “trying hard,” I wanted “out” again. I remember talking to my daughter about going back to my rightful place because “their father” was not doing anything to improve our relationship. It broke her heart but she had no choice because my mind was set on leaving. I called my niece Vivienne in New York so she can call Ernie, my Jewish boyfriend, to tell him the good news that I was going back to New York.This is where it all started - my journey with God. Vivienne told me that after I left New York, Ernie had a heart attack. He realized that he could not live without me. He asked Vivienne to call me in the Philippines and to tell me that I can have my children with me without conditions, and that he was also going to provide them the same lifestyle that he had given me. Vivienne was calling me frantically but according to her, my three phones were always busy. Then, Ernie got better. When he was discharged from the hospital, he told Vivienne not to call me anymore because “it was not meant to be”. After I heard this unbelievable story, I was numbed with incredulity and confusion. I went back to my carefree life of drinking and staying out late. One day, I found myself entering my parish church (Presentation of the Child Jesus in BF Homes, Parañaque, Philippines) where I met Tita Mater who invited me to be a part of her healing, Bible and social groups. This kind gesture started my desire to know more about God. My days of staying out late were substituted with my preoccupation to join any group that I was invited to. My entire week became filled up with religious activities! Mondays, Legion of Mary. Tuesdays, Opus Dei. Wednesday, Marian Movement Cenacle. Thursday, my healing group. Friday, bible study. Saturdays, Couples for Christ (where my husband and I eventually realized that we both needed to grow in Faith together). Sundays, Holy Mass. Despite my new life of going to Mass everyday and attending numerous church activities, my worldly desire for the finer things in life continued to distract me. I was still so restless. Living in the Divine WillAfter three years of attending daily Mass and joining church groups, God once more answered my plea. On 24 November 2004, I was invited by Malloy Mallari to join the Divine Will Cenacle. Since I was still searching for something missing in my life, I accepted. It was an important turning point in my life.My enthusiasm and insatiable desire to know the lessons written by Luisa Piccarreta suddenly gave me the answer to my restlessness. I was given the wisdom to realize that my worldly desires and need for an easy life were in total opposition to the desire to live in the Divine Will. So I constantly prayed for the annihilation of my human will, diving constantly into the immense seas of love of the Divine Will and constantly inundating my human will with the virtues of Mama Mary. Her fiat became my fiat as I tried to listen to her lesson of total surrender and total trust, focusing only on her Son Jesus, never forgetting my nothingness. And so, my desire to go shopping was replaced by my desire to spend time praying and serving others. I was also becoming more patient and considerate towards my husband, our household help, and the people around me. Everything, even negative things, became wonderful and meaningful opportunities to give glory to God. The most beautiful gift given by the Divine Will was my profound awe before the Son of God, especially in the Holy Eucharist. The Mass became the life of my soul, realizing that the Holy Mass is “Heaven on Earth”. CounsellingWho could ever imagine that I would be chosen by God to help troubled marriages, bearing in mind that I used to be a troubled and confused wife, wanting out from my own marriage? But it is God’s wisdom to use my sinfulness and worldliness to make known His presence in the lives of individuals and couples that I have helped. I can only heal others precisely because I have received His forgiving love and enormous healing from my past. Having been a clinical psychiatric nurse in New York for 17 years, I further believe that, even on a professional level, God formed me for this.A Long JourneySince I now recognize that my life with my husband is a daily encounter with God, I take each disagreement with him as an opportunity to improve myself, focusing on my weakness and not his. I have used prayer, fasting, mortification and sacrifice as gifts to overcome my weaknesses and tribulations. The grace of constancy and docility is what I continue to aspire for. I am now a praying wife who relies solely on God and Mama Mary to accomplish my daily household chores and church service. The desire to have my husband join me in the service of healing troubled marriages still eludes me. I am confident that in God’s time, my husband will join me in this healing ministry. It is not an easy road to tread because of differences in priorities but we are getting there with the grace of God.May my testimony bring hope and healing to troubled individuals and families. For those who are on the verge of breaking up or whose marriages are on the rocks, may my witnessing spark God’s grace so you can see it from His eyes. If you cannot, seek help! Do not make the mistake of my own ignorance, selfishness and pride which almost cost my children and husband a lifetime of sorrow and pain. Do not make the mistake of my insatiable desire for worldly possessions, which almost caused my eternal damnation! We should try to live by the Spirit and not by the flesh, so we can reach our true Home and final destination. We need not do great or big things; loving and forgiving someone can get you started. Do not take too long!
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