Dead end

I have been praying off and on for years. Have bought a total of nine different prayer books because I believe I am lost and I'm trying to hard to find Jesus and for Jesus to answer my Prayers. I have done things that are wrong, sad and terrible. Because of these things I am still in the dark and I do not know how to seek God.

At times I believe in God, at times I am angry with God and at times I tell myself there is no God.

My wife and I lost our home, I was fired from my last job, not sure why? My job prior my position was eliminated and I am applying everywhere I can. We had to file bankruptcy. Money is a problem right now. Strange however that when I had my job prior to this last one, I for some reason started paying off all our debt and now I believe that God told me to pay off all of our debts. The amount was close $56,000 in mostly medical bills. I know god saw the future and prepared me for these hard times, I still thank him when I think back and remember what we owed. If God did this for me, then why can't I feel him in my heart? why would god help me? does he know something I don't know?

I have many times thought of taking my life because there is no end in sight. The only reason I haven't is because I want to make all this up to my wife by replacing the home we lost and replacing it with a new one, I have failed her and I know I am a looser and half nothing to show for. I am addicted to pain killers and this changes my mood many times. Despite all of this and other things, my wife has stood by me and has told me many times that she loves me no matter what. How can I leave her?? I need help in locating God. I started to pray a week ago and trying to do my best at keeping the faith, it's hard when you don't know the lord.

All i'm asking for is a prayer so that I can find Jesus Christ first and then I will submit my sins to him and ask for forgiveness. Will anyone out there help?